I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
If I had your ass I would rule the world
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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