You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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