please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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