I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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