i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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