Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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