when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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