We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
When are your genitals available?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
