I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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