if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
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You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
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I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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