Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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