You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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