I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
