dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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