and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
We smell like vodka and hangover
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