Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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