accomplished twins. life is a go
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
