i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
