i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
