hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
