theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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