i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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