My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I wish there were birth control emojis
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
