Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
So many bounce houses so little time
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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