see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
