So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
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