A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Randomize
