and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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