My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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