At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
