Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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