dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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