I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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