Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
