i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Randomize
