I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
