It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
