I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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