Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Randomize
