I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
