Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Rumble strips road head = magical
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
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