he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
me + whiskey = a bad person
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
