come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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