just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
