Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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