i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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