Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
