is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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