thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
