I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
