sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
