shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
