If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She's the barista slut.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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