dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
