I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
