K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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