woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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