my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
