dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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